Tell Me to Stay Read online

  So, what now?

  Can I really go through with this? Play this part?

  Pretend like everything is fine when it’s anything but? That’s my job and I intend to do it well.

  When we get to the table, Nicholas introduces me as Abby and himself as Henry. The couple smiles and shakes our hands and makes space for us in their booth.

  The place isn’t very formal, more like business casual and it’s filled with people in their work clothes blowing off some steam.

  “So, what do you do, Kristen?” I ask.

  She pushes her thick dark hair from her neck and launches into a vivid description of her job at a biomedical lab.

  She develops medical devices as does her husband who works on the business end of the company.

  “That’s where we met,” she says in her thick southern accent. “We both grew up in South Carolina but we ended up meeting here at LinoTech’s company picnic. Can you believe that?”

  I smile and ask her more about themselves and their jobs.

  They are eager to share and I’m eager to listen.

  It gives me a chance to think about things without looking like I’m not paying attention.

  Occasionally, I nod my head and ask follow-up questions that start them down another alley of conversation.

  When the food arrives, Kristen asks us what we do, first looking at Nicholas.

  “Real estate,” he says. “Pretty boring commercial loan approvals and other finance stuff.”

  “And you?” Becker asks, giving me a smile.

  “I write test questions, for the common core. Math,” I say, using the stock answer that Nicholas doesn’t want me to delineate from.

  This is what I used to do for a living and I share some of the details of what that entails.

  For some reason, people tend to find my work fascinating even though they would never want to do it in a million years.

  Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that we have all gone to high school and either suffered or enjoyed our time in math class.

  We get another round of drinks and Kristen and I don’t pass up the opportunity for a taste of chocolate lava cake.

  The waiter comes back with two forks, but Kristen quickly asks him to bring us two more, saying that there’s no way that Becker will pass up this indulgence.

  “I can’t believe I’m having this,” I say, taking a bite.

  “Mmmm, isn’t it good?” she asks.

  “Out of this world.”

  “I can eat three times a day,” she adds, licking the fork in a rather sensual manner.

  I watch her as she licks her lips and then brings her fork to Becker’s lips. I was wondering when we would get to this portion of the evening.

  17

  Olive

  When he tells me about them…

  We have spent almost two hours talking to them but we have yet to bring up the real reason we are all meeting. Kristen and Becker have something that Nicholas needs and one of the things that they like to do is swing with other couples.

  I bring the fork to my lips and watch Becker watching me very carefully. He wants me and I would be lying if I said that a part of me didn't want him as well.

  I want to say something but I’m not sure how to bring it up. I may never have been on a first date like this before, but I have been on a first date so I know that in order for it to go well you really have to play it by ear.

  On a first date, you are feeling out the other person. You are getting a sense of who he, she, or in this case, they are, in order to figure out if you are a good fit. From the way that Kristen smiles at me and runs her finger up my thigh I get the feeling that this date is mine to fuck up.

  Nicholas didn’t tell me much about what was going to happen.

  All I know is that this couple is looking for another to have a good time with.

  I don’t know how I feel about that because I don’t really know how I feel about Nicholas right now.

  Everything that I heard about Nina is making it difficult for me to make rational choices.

  Is dating a couple even a rational choice?

  I try to ignore the fact that I have never been with a woman let alone two other people in any sexual manner whatsoever.

  I know that it’s fashionable among many college girls to hook up with girls and threesomes aren’t exactly uncommon things on university campuses.

  In fact, I think there are more people having threesomes than there are in steady, committed relationships. But I never did anything like that.

  I glance over at Becker. His eyes are entirely focused on Kristen, watching her lick her fork.

  I’m suddenly in a movie. I’m watching myself watch them. It’s an out of body experience because they are so connected to each other and I’m the outsider.

  She grazes my leg and suddenly I’m not a foreigner anymore.

  I belong.

  They want me.

  The question is am I down to party?

  My hands get clammy as cold sweat originates in my armpit and runs down my arm. Whatever I say, I have to do it very delicately.

  I pry my fingers away from the vinyl seating and place them carefully on her leg. Kristen smiles and licks her lower lip.

  Becker and Nicholas are talking somewhere in the distance and with each passing moment their voices get further and further away. I slide over closer to her.

  “Wasn’t that delicious?” I ask.

  She nods her head, tilting it to one side.

  “I’ve never had anything that good before.”

  “Me either.”

  “I think I want some more,” she whispers after a moment.

  I place my palm on top of her thigh and she closes her eyes slowly enjoying the moment.

  “I do, too, but maybe not tonight,” I say. Her eyes click open. I give her a smile.

  “I like you,” I whisper. “But…not tonight.”

  She looks at me confused and then gives me a knowing nod.

  “You’re not going to ghost me, are you?” she whispers. "You could just tell me that you had a good time but it’s not going to work out. I’m totally fine with that.”

  The waiter comes around with our check, which the men fight to pay for. Finally, Becker caves but insists that Nicholas give him his Venmo email so that he can pay for their share.

  “Did you hear what I said?” Kristen whispers. “I get it. It’s totally fine.”

  I look down at the table and then slowly back at her.

  My lips part and my tongue rushes to the roof of my mouth. I pick at a little cut in the wood in front of me before explaining.

  “It’s just that…I’ve never done anything like this before.”

  “Really?” she gasps.

  I shrug, embarrassed.

  “Well, if that’s all you’re worried about then you don’t have to worry about it at all,” she says. “No pressure, okay?”

  I nod and grin from ear to ear.

  “Let’s plan to do this again tomorrow night,” I suggest as we all rise from the table.

  Kristen smiles but Becker and Nicholas look a little disappointed. She tugs on Becker’s sleeve and mouths, “I’ll explain it later,” into his ear.

  When we get back to the car, Nicholas demands an explanation.

  “You said you were up for anything.”

  “I thought I was, but this was a bit too much.”

  “I didn’t need to invite you. I could’ve done it myself.”

  “They were into that?”

  “Probably. I’m quite charming.”

  I roll my eyes. We are arguing about the job, but we both know that this isn’t what’s on our minds at all. There’s something bigger going on.

  “I wasn’t ready,” I finally admit. “I thought I might be when you told me but after what you said about Nina, I just didn’t feel…aroused.”

  He clenches his jaw.

  “I don’t know how far this will need to go,” he says. “I just need t
hem to be comfortable with us. She has the USB drive in her purse along with her computer. From what my sources say, it’s attached to her laptop. It has to be for proprietary reasons. She carries it around everywhere and that’s why I need them both to relax and get comfortable to make the switch.”

  “But why can’t you just break into their apartment or something like that?” I ask.

  “The security is on the level of the Pentagon. She is a very high-level person at the company. That’s why they take all of these precautions. But they have a weakness, a fatal flaw if you may. They like to party.”

  I wait for him to continue but he stops. I stare at him. Our eyes meet.

  “You should have warned me that you were going to put a stop to this,” he says.

  “Are you angry?”

  He shrugs and looks away.

  “I have to be able to rely on you. If I can’t, then this isn’t going to work.”

  The valet pulls up with his car and he gives him a generous tip. We climb in and drive silently for a few minutes.

  “This is a big step for me,” I say. “I’ve never done anything like this before and I wasn’t sure how it was going to go.”

  “You’ve been to the swinger club in Hawaii. You even found your friend there,” he says, smiling out of the corner of his lips.

  I shake my head in disappointment. He thinks this is funny, when it’s anything but that.

  “I’m sorry,” he apologizes but it doesn’t feel like enough.

  “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do,” he says. “But this is my only way in. They don’t trust me. They are very cautions. We can’t just befriend them. But they like to have sex with strangers.”

  “I left things on a positive note,” I say. “I didn’t ruin anything.”

  “But if you’re not into this then it won’t do me any good.”

  18

  Olive

  When things take a turn …

  I shake my head and fold my arms across my chest.

  Is he serious? Is he really trying to convince me to do something I don’t want to do?

  Anger starts to bubble to the surface and I can’t control it.

  “You have no right to do this,” I say in a raised tone. “You just asked me to be your girlfriend and now you want me to have sex with some couple that we just met. I’ve never even kissed a girl before.”

  “You haven’t?” He is taken aback.

  I roll my eyes.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it the way it came out. I’m just…surprised. I mean, I thought nowadays everyone sort of fooled around with…everyone.”

  “If you thought that then why did you ask me be to exclusive?”

  He slows down at a red light and turns to look me straight in the eye. Reaching out, he runs his finger down my jaw as if he is outlining it.

  “I want you to be my girlfriend,” he says after a moment. “I do. And this has nothing to do with that.”

  I shrug my shoulders.

  “This is just a job. You said yourself that you wanted to fuck Dallas, right. Remember him?”

  “Dallas was different. I just met him. He was hot. We were alone. It was something I’ve done before.”

  I expect him to come at me again, to try to convince me. But much to my surprise, he doesn’t.

  He just says that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.

  We drive all the way back to his hotel room in silence. If he has an apartment somewhere here, it’s a mystery to me. But I’m not interested in staying over. I have a headache and I’m tired of the games.

  “Take me home,” I say, when he pulls up to the curb of his hotel.

  He takes a moment to register his surprise before pulling away.

  It’s only when we get to the end of the corner that I realize that I might have made a mistake.

  It’s not that I don’t want to stay the night at his place, it’s that I want him to make me. Not really force me in that way where it’s against my will. But rather just insist that I do it. Then I’ll know that he cares.

  “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do,” Nicholas says, pulling up to the curb near my apartment building. “If this is too much for you, I totally understand.”

  “So, how are you going to get it?”

  “I won’t,” he says, putting the car in park. I narrow my eyes.

  “So, what then?”

  He shrugs. “I don’t know, but I have to devise another plan. If it’s possible.”

  “Why do you need this flash drive?” I ask.

  He swallows hard but does not answer. I ask again and again he doesn’t respond.

  “It’s a job, Olive. The less that you know about it, the better,” he finally says.

  “I don’t think that’s true,” I insist. “I can do anything if I have to, but if I don’t understand why then I have a hard time making myself commit to something.”

  He sits back in the seat and runs his index finger along the seam of the steering wheel.

  He’s thinking.

  Analyzing.

  Trying to figure out how much he should tell me.

  At the end, he says nothing.

  “This is just one thing I cannot tell you. You either do this or you don’t. But don’t do me any favors.”

  I fold my leg under my butt and turn to face him.

  “What’s going to happen in their hotel room if we go there?” I ask. He shrugs.

  “I don’t know. You told her that you weren’t that experienced, so maybe nothing. Or maybe everything.”

  “What if I say I don’t want to. That I won’t do it?” I ask, my voice cracks in the middle of the question.

  This is the first time I have verbalized how I really felt.

  Nicholas turns to face me. “I am not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do, Olive. I can’t tell you anymore about this job than I already did. It’s not safe.”

  “What’s going to happen to us, if I don’t do it?” I ask.

  “I still want to be with you,” he says after a moment.

  “Do you still want to be my partner?” I ask.

  He turns away from me. I ask again but he refuses to give me an answer. When I get out of the car and walk into my building, I know that the offer is no longer valid.

  When I get home, I try to tiptoe past Owen on the couch who turns around and catches me in the act. I let out a loud groan and tell him that I’m in no mood for an argument. He tosses his hands up in the air and buries his head in his paperback.

  I slip out of the uncomfortable pantyhose and bra and drop the rest of the clothes on the floor.

  I head straight into the shower to wash the fight off me. I prefer to shower at night and go to bed clean but tonight I don’t feel particularly fresh.

  People don’t like to admit it but couples who date other couples and go to bed with them is not that uncommon of an activity. The thing is that few people talk about it.

  It’s not the physical that takes me aback though.

  Kristen and Becker are both quite attractive and with a little bit of alcohol, I can see how this could be an interesting way to pass the time.

  So, what is it that’s bothering me?

  I don’t quite know.

  Nicholas was right.

  When I saw Dallas, I wanted to sleep with him.

  He oozed sexuality and I wanted to feel his hands all over me.

  Perhaps what’s different now is the date itself.

  Maybe it’s just being too much in my own head.

  When I went over to see Dallas, my attraction to him just took over.

  I felt myself being swept away and we could have had a really good time if we hadn’t been interrupted.

  I felt the same way when we went to that club in Hawaii.

  All of those hot couples around us touching and kissing, who wouldn’t want to join in? But there was another interruption.

  But meeting Kristen and Becker w
ith the explicit intention of feeling them out just puts me too much in my own head.

  I can’t let my body take over.

  I can’t lose myself in the moment.

  And now? What happens now exactly? If I can’t do this job, then are we done? At least, professionally speaking that is.

  And if so, then what happens to me?

  Tears start to well up in the back of my eyes.

  I bury my face in my hands. I just feel so impotent and so stupid.

  I had quit my job.

  My well-paying, important job with a career trajectory for a man.

  Just a guy.

  Yes, he’s hot and he’s good with his hands and he knows his way around my body but so what? I should have known better.

  I shouldn’t have been so impulsive.

  Only men do this.

  Only men risk everything in the world for one moment of pleasure and I am not a man.

  I should have been above this.

  I don’t hear him come in until he takes a seat right next to me on the bed.

  He doesn’t ask me questions. He just puts his arm around my shoulder and just holds me.

  I sob loudly and try to wipe my eyes over and over again.

  19

  Olive

  When I talk too much…

  “I don’t think we’re going to work together anymore,” I say.

  He doesn’t know much about the offer that Nicholas made to me and I should keep my mouth closed about it but the words just spill out.

  Owen just nods and listens, holding me tightly.

  I have missed this closeness even though it feels foreign.

  We were never close growing up, in fact we fought more than we played.

  But now that I’m grown, it’s nice to have someone who is family to care about me.

  My vision is blurry along with my memory, and I can’t remember exactly what I told Owen about what happened in Hawaii before.

  I know that I tried to cover for him but tonight I don’t.